HIDDEN TRUTHS REVEALED - PART 10

As I said earlier, all internal struggles were constant, some years worse than others, but you try to deal with it as best you can and learn to live with it. Was a stay-at-home mom the first year. Never planned to raise children and reading all the books about the subject matter still didn’t prepare you for reality. It was a bumpy ride and Jonathan having a strong-willed personality added to the pressures of life. Carl lost his job and I was able to return to work but not in the same position as before leaving on maternity leave. Now as a working mom taking care of a house, a child, and a husband and all the difficulties associated with his diabetes put a heavy burden on my shoulders. Took care of most everything and admit turning down any assistance Carl did offer. Find it hard to ask for any help, even from God but have no trouble offering help to others. I have to do it myself (some might say “have to control“) and it was probably a way not to dwell on my other hang-ups but you soon learn that you don’t control most things and it was back on the eating/exercise merry-go-round. Doesn’t make sense to those who have never experienced an eating disorder, but it seems to be the only thing you can control.

Started attending another congregation closer to home and tried to go on a regular basis but when you have an infant, that’s not always possible. I would stay home and Carl would go, mostly during the middle week service. One evening received a call that Carl was involved in a wreck in an intersection ½ mile from the house. Put Jonathan in the car seat (he was two) and drove to the scene. Luckily no one was severely hurt, but Carl was taken to the ER as he had apparently passed out behind the wheel and his blood sugar was extremely high. Carl said to go back home and he would call. He stayed overnight for observation.

The next afternoon Carl called and said he was being taken to the county jail for DWI. Can’t tell you how my heart sank. I felt the hatred and I was furious not because of the drinking, but the deception. Then I remembered what Lee had said two years earlier. Carl obviously had been drinking all this time. Boy, was I the fool! At that moment I was ready to call it quits.

Carl called to get picked up. All the “sorrys” fell on deaf ears. Didn’t really want to hear it. As I drove up to the front of the jail, there stood Carl. He looked like a whipped puppy with his tail between his legs. My heart softened somewhat. This man was also struggling and dealing with his own issues. As I write this, makes me think of the lines from A Few Good Men--Cruise: “I want the truth.” Nicholson: “You can’t handle the truth.” Doubt Carl thought I could handle knowing about his vices, so would lie in order not to disappoint me.

We talked. He kept apologizing. My trust was broken and it was going to be a long haul to earn it back. It would have been easy to walk away; Lord knows I had enough issues to deal with and a small child to think about, but I made a commitment and was determined to see it through no matter what the price. Although I chose not to drink, never was one who considered it a sin and at that time wasn’t particularly wanting a spouse who imbibed. However, Carl was diabetic and it was in his best interests not to do so--that was my main concern.

When Jonathan was three, we moved to California, and I worked in the Vision Clinic at Juvenile Hall. While awaiting a promotion to be a probation officer, I had to get evaluated by a psychologist. Told him minute details (didn’t want to sabotage my chances) and about being raised in the church of Christ. The gist of his response--no wonder you are so screwed up. Gee, thanks. That really helped a lot. That sarcastic comment didn’t dissuade us from changing church affiliations.

Living nine months in San Bernardino County resulted in Jonathan and I contracting bronchitis three times each so decided to move to Arkansas where Carl’s parents were living. Coping with Carl’s diabetes became more difficult each and every year. Carl couldn’t get it, couldn’t accept it and continued to live as he saw fit.

Worry and frustration were constant. Restless nights of sleep. A son who the older he got the more defiant and the more volatile my mood swings became upon provocation. The yo-yo dieting and the increased exercise (added Tae Bo) pulled me further into depression. Suicidal thoughts could not be ignored. I knew the anguish many felt when a family member ended his life and knew I could not add to that heartache. Reverting back to the anorexia seemed to be the best solution of stopping the pain without actually pulling a trigger, slitting a wrist, or popping a bottle of pills. Calling the suicide hotline my only voice of reason. At times wondered if I was bipolar because of the erratic mood swings but it didn’t seem to compare to those few friends I knew wore that label.

I’m ashamed of many things but mostly the abuse raged against my son. Words a parent should never say in the moment to their child and uttered with such contempt. Words once spilled out can never be taken back. At times a slap on the face, a kick in the butt, or a tight grab of the wrist but there was no excuse for even those few incidents. Jonathan never hit back, but I’m sure he lost all respect for me and who can blame him. I didn’t have much for myself and it just verified another reason for my self-loathing. Although forgiven, I’m still seeking atonement.

(to be continued)