HIDDEN TRUTHS REVEALED - Part 5

The focus shifted back to food and exercise and continued to go through the motions. Continued the tennis lessons and got a job as a waitress at Dennys, a job I had always thought would be fun. Most would find it odd for a person with eating issues wanting to work around food. At least I could observe other people salivating over great looking food and not have to worry about the calories. Lasted three days because our pulpit minister called and offered me a job as the church secretary to the youth and personal evangelist ministers (my second and final job that fell into my lap). Continued working for six months until an old friend talked me into attending Oklahoma Christian College. Had my reservations but decided it would be good to get away.

Since there were no Criminal Justice or Police Science degrees so chose Mass Communications as my major in hopes of becoming a sports broadcaster. There were two tennis courts located between the men’s and women’s dorms. Outside of class or study time, that’s where you would find me. Played in an intramural tournament and was runner up. Became the top ranked player on the women’s tennis team (only two women on the team but a major feat for me). Fell in love. Ate in the school cafeteria with surprisingly very little hang-ups and so much ease that I was constantly teased about the full content of my tray, always to include a dessert with soft-serve ice cream. Still ran every day and Mom said that was the best I had ever looked--an ideal weight of 120. Part of our Phys Ed grade consisted of running a mile every day and documenting each time. My goal was to run it in under six minutes. Did accomplish that goal and the reward--a Brahm’s quarter pounder, onion rings, and a German chocolate shake.

Although broke up with Mark, still had tennis to get me through the rest of the school year without too many ill effects, but I had no desire to return the next year. Teresa said not to let Mark ruin things and talked me into returning and we would live in an apartment across from campus and would not be eating in the cafeteria. It was not one of my better decisions. Seeing Mark bothered me and with the other issues in school started to focus on my apparent “comfort zone”--food and exercise. Daily meals became instant oatmeal, granola bars, V-8, soup, apple, and peanut butter on celery and the weight started to drop, along with feeling cold and very depressed. No, there would be no glee or joy this semester.

Left after the Christmas break and transferred to the University of Albuquerque and changed majors to Criminology. Life revolved around studying and not much else. Continued the summer tennis lessons and met Cindy. We became tennis partners and played in a doubles match during one city tournament. Cindy knew I wasn’t much of a partygoer and thought I needed to loosen up so she took me to a bar--my first time at age 21. My parents didn’t drink and I always had steered clear of any temptation, which wasn’t hard since I never socialized much outside a church setting (and if you were a church member who drank, it was not advertised). Took a taste of an Amaretto Sour and it was--sour. Did nothing for my taste buds. Took a sip of a Pina Colada. Tasted like a pineapple soda (pineapple juice over vanilla ice cream for those of you unaware) so why drink it and destroy my brain cells. No, Debbie would stick with an orange juice on the rocks. Took a trip with her to LA and stayed at Pepperdine where my brother worked. She tried to change my appearance with makeup and a different hairstyle. My brother knew that Cindy and I were on different planes and was skeptical of a lasting friendship. He was right.

No fun. No enjoyment. Just going through the motions. Sadness. Crying spells. Not wanting to wake up in the morning and start the cycle all over again. The severity of these emotions fluctuated year to year, but I still pretended to be fine and exercised harder and planned the meals day to day and month to month with more rigidity. My parents knew there was a need for professional assistance and offered to pay, but their generosity was declined. Knew eventually I would get better on my own once this happened or that was completed.

Started working and going to school at night but wanted to finish sooner so quit work and became a full-time student including an overload during the summer. At least it kept my mind occupied. Finished in 1-½ years and graduated with honors but still felt the emptiness inside. After so long it gets to the point that you want to either crawl into a hole, go into a coma and wake up with amnesia, or just plain die.

(to be continued)