EPILOGUE

It’s hard to believe five years have passed since Carl’s death and it has been a very emotional and disconcerting time. Life as you know it is suddenly ripped apart. Major changes should not be made in the next six months so they say. Jonathan and I didn’t follow that adage. At the time of Carl’s death, we were managers for a self-storage facility in New Mexico. The powers that be were kind to let me stay; however, we lived onsite and my mind was too consumed with the memories, so I resigned one month later.

My parents were living in Austin and offered to let Jonathan and me stay with them until he graduated from high school. Having lived in Austin ourselves for almost nine years, it would be familiar stomping grounds. Two months later my parents had put the house on the market and bought a house in Oceanside. What a whirlwind.

The next two years were quite an adjustment for the four of us. What can you say when there are three generation gaps living under one roof. There were major problems and difficult situations to face and hard decisions to make and we were the worse for wear. However, the love never disappeared, although at the time the youngest member of the household didn't quite see it that way. If asked whether we would do it all over again, you'd get an emphatic--"I don't think so!"

Jonathan seemed to have the hardest time. Jonathan really was never school material and during his senior year skipped so many classes that the school kicked him out. After sowing some wild oats and doing some serious soul searching, Jonathan wanted to return and be able to graduate with his friends; however, the school refused because Jonathan was 18. Something is wrong when a school turns down a student willing to get an education. Only in California. Jonathan got his GED through an adult school and the school district did an about face and also awarded Jonathan a high school diploma.

Because of Jonathan’s loss, I overcompensated in monetary terms and pretty much let Jonathan have whatever he wanted, and probably to his detriment. Others tried to dissuade me and warn me of the consequences, but it fell on deaf ears. What can I say in my defense? I felt sorry that my son no longer had his father. Let me also say, I could be the poster child for the adage--"Do as I say; not as I do."

Jonathan is just beginning to understand the magnitude of his loss. There are just some things Jonathan doesn't feel comfortable talking to Mom about. It does help that Jonathan can talk to his cousin who also suffered the loss of his dad at 16. But Jonathan has grown a lot and realizes his blunders and wishes he could change the past. (Don’t we all?) However, it’s too hard carrying around the guilt and stress of life’s mistakes.

I'm proud of Jonathan for making the necessary changes. Oh, there's a long way to go but do admire that he is trying to get his act together. Jonathan has what it takes to be successful and it won't surprise me when it happens. Jonathan is stubborn, won't let anybody push him around, and has a mind of his own. I somewhat admire those aspects of my son, not that I’m anything like that you understand. Even if I have screwed up in this job as a parent, I know that we love each other deeply, so maybe I didn't do such a bad job after all.

It probably took me longer than most to come to terms with a spouse’s death, although doubt there is any time frame. Life has been lonely and frustrating. Life has been lonely and confusing. Life has been... Did I mention lonely? Never thought I would be interested in finding someone else, let alone dating. How could I? Carl was my soul mate and always thought everybody had only one. Unfortunately, I lost mine far too soon. There also would be the guilt factor; however, several friends and family members have told me that Carl would want me to be happy and move on with life. Lois was forever advising me not to live life alone and regretted her missed opportunities. Dad's answer--"Find yourself a rich guy."

Suffice it to say, I have fallen for a couple of gents, but my timing is lousy and found out after the fact that both were unavailable. Richard said that if he wasn't engaged, he would have been interested in getting to know me better. Great! I was the also-ran. Who's the idiot that came up with that word? Just say what it is--LOSER--pure and simple. And a celebrity who says that it was an honor just to be nominated. Give me a break. You're a loser! But in all honesty, I must admit it felt good to know that somebody could be attracted to me again. Recently, there was a gentleman at work that caught my eye, and we seemed to have good rapport. Don't know why it took me so long to notice his wedding ring. Obviously my radar needs to be recalibrated.

Since I knew a few success stories with those who used a specific internet dating service, thought it wouldn't hurt to give it a shot. Answering those 400+ questions was time consuming and somewhat obscure, but there was great anticipation in finding possible suitors. Imagine the disillusionment when learning that Debbie was in the 2% of those categorized as incompatible. (Who would have thunk?) The dating service sent an e-mail inviting me to try again and not to take this first attempt as being undesirable (a little too late for that). Although not amused at the time, in retrospect, it really is hilarious; the kind of humor used to create those popular sitcoms we all enjoy watching. And now to know that I'm in the same demographic as Courtney Love--it just keeps getting better. But seriously, I'll try again and might even use the dating service associated with Dr. Phil. Like him or not, the guy has been instrumental in helping me face a few of my issues.

This site was created for all to share and to let you know the real me, baggage and all. This trilogy was not posted to receive sympathy, but to let you take a glimpse of what was a significant part of my life. Yes, it was a painful experience. Yes, there will be more to come. Yes, I will continue to do what all of you are doing--dealing with the challenges of everyday life.