Death of a Childhood Friend

Wednesday was a sad start to the holiday season. Found out my best friend while growing up passed away in September from cancer. It had been many years since I had seen Laura, but we communicated in writing periodically and then on a more regular basis by e-mail after my husband died almost five years ago. In April, Laura told me about the cancer and upcoming surgery. I kept sending e-mails to let her know that she was in my thoughts and prayers. Never received any replies but assumed Laura was recovering and not getting on the internet. Constantly wondered what was going on and should have mailed a note or better yet, called. I don’t remember ever talking to her on the phone since her family moved away from the biggest city in New Mexico about 40 years ago. (Laura was a preacher’s kid and you know how preachers move around.) Actually I’m not one to communicate by telephone but obviously should have made an exception.

Over the last few months I had an eerie feeling that something was terribly wrong and think deep down I was afraid to face that possibility. With the approaching holiday season and the thoughts of sending Christmas cards, I decided to send my friend a note. For whatever reason I looked up the obituaries of her hometown newspaper and there were those words I had dreaded--Laura had succumbed to cancer in September of this year. It’s hard to describe the feeling I had--devastated comes to mind. And guilt. Guilt for not finding out something sooner. Guilt for not being there for her. Guilt for not being able to tell Laura one last time how much I loved her. I knew she knew--we told each other many times before, but …

Forty years ago I felt devastated when Laura and her family moved away. I remember sitting in my room crying, feeling sad and all alone. Maybe that‘s the look meant by the saying, “You look like you’ve lost your best friend.” The same feelings are ringing true today and for the last four days; however, now I will no longer be able to write, send an e-mail, or even call. All I could do was express my sympathies to Laura’s husband and children and love to Laura’s mother, brother, and sister. Although separated by distance for many years, Laura never left my heart. Even in death, she will remain.

Don’t wait to tell the special people in your life, how much they mean to you.

A Unique Support Group

Seems like everyone has a weblog these days, so why not me? Journaling can be very beneficial, and I’ve even written stories regarding some painful experiences, but no one else reads them. Although wanting to do something that can make a difference, don’t think anyone will be interested in reading tales about a 50-year-old widow, but, hey, that could be an angle in itself.

Have always had a fascination for mysteries and criminal law which might be one of the reasons I majored in criminology in college. Also, my television viewing seems to be focused on crime-related dramas. Doubt that surprises you. Why else would I have chosen this name for my blog? I’m hoping not only to share some of my experiences, but give each of you an opportunity to tell your story, and we can share and learn from each other. Don’t know how often I’ll post; tend to edit the crap out of my writing, but will try to shoot for once a week.

Life will become quite busy starting next week as I’ll be starting a new job and want to make time for my many interests as well as volunteer in a hospice/bereavement program. So, I would like to build an audience where we can share, vent, and express our innermost thoughts, feelings, and experiences. Hopefully we’ll form some long-lasting friendships through cyberspace and cry, laugh, or just have a good feeling about something and know that we aren’t alone in this world. Anyway, that’s what this site is all about. Guess you could even call it a support group. Maybe each week I’ll take a topic and expand on it using my particular experiences. We’ll just see how things transpire.

So, to start, let me just tell you a little bit about myself. I live in beautiful, sunny Southern California in Los Angeles County. We may have nice weather but more than our share of forest fires lately, but guess the Eastern coast gets their fair share of hurricanes and the Midwest--tornadoes. So no place is perfect. My parents, son, brother and sister-in-law, aunt and cousin also live in Southern California. In February it will be five years since my husband passed away. My son, Jonathan, is now 21. So, the last few years have been quite difficult and these experiences will be addressed in later posts and may also post my story about the last few months of Carl‘s life and his subsequent death.

I recently turned 50 and am still carrying around a lot of baggage, but aren‘t we all? It’s sad that you live half your life before deciding to make some changes that should have been made a long time ago. So, slowly but surely I’m trying to lose this baggage; well, some much more than others--don’t want to be carrying this stuff around for another 50 years. This baggage will also be addressed in future posts.

Although a Christian, I’ve been on the peaks and in the valleys, but probably more in the valleys with my faith. There are so many concepts about the Christian faith and religion in general and these issues will be discussed at least in what I’ve experienced. I hope you will do the same.

So, there will be a lot to say and share with you, and I’m looking forward to “meeting” each and every one of you. I hope all of you enjoyed your Thanksgiving.